Weed

In Honor of My Father and Family.......

Defining moments are really what shape people although many little moments become deeply buried in their being, in their heart. This is my story of little moments and the weaving of family interactions and love that was given to me long ago.

When my father was nine years old, his Father died. My Grandmother had five children, my father being the youngest. She remarried several years later. My Step Grandpa also had five children, so my Dad gained four step brothers and a stepsister. They were American Indian, and all but Aunt Gertrude were raised on a reservation in Canada in tradition of their mothers family. Needless to say, they had their own way of looking at the world and their own brand of humor. My Dad married my Mom at thirty, so by the time I can remember family gatherings I was one of the littlest. Most of my cousins, from this combined Irish-Italian-Scottish-Indian mélange, were older than me. Between the ten siblings, their spouses and the assorted grandchildren every holiday at Grandma and Grandpa’s tiny cape cod style house was filled with people and most of the people were filled with alcohol. That being said, it brings me to the story at hand. My older cousins all had honorary Indian names. The boys had camp or sports related names while the girls had beautiful “Flower in the Rain” type names. At some point before my memory kicked in, I was given a name. Mine was definitely different. Baby Weed. Weed Baby. Tiny Weed. Sometimes it was Tumbleweed. Being ever so young, first I answered to it. As I grew, I began to realize that:

A. A weed is not a good flower.

B. None of the other girls had a funny name that made people smile when they called you.

For a long time I pretended it didn’t matter however just before entering first grade, after one particularly hot Fourth of July family picnic, I finally did complain to my own older step brothers. They laughed at me and replied, “Weed girl, it’s because you’re always playing in the dirt, and you never let anyone comb your hair, even for days. You actually look like a cross between and elf and a weed, an elfweed!” That night, looking in the mirror, I could see what they meant. I was old enough by then to realize I might be teased or even been given a worse name like maybe “stink weed” or “yucca tree girl”, so I continued to pretended not to be bothered by it and all the while the name remained.

The following May, it was time for First Holy Communion at my church. I was a year behind the Communion Class so it wasn’t my turn, though I remember vividly how beautiful the girls were all in white, wearing beaded veils and carrying flowers. It was the first time I noticed how the year older girls looked. My friend Sharon’s lovely dress, Susan’s lace gloves and Patty Kay’s unbelievably breathtaking hair. Ah yes, Patty Kay’s beautiful curled hair. I was amazed hair could be that pretty and stay in place. I was kneeling in church when I first noticed it. I looked for a minute, then turned away and began to pray for Patty Kay hair. I made up the pray myself and it was the only prayer I remembered for a long time. I believed God would be proud of me for writing my own prayer and one day I would wake up to the miracle of “Patty Kay Hair.” Every morning when I awoke I would run to the mirror to check but I had the same fine celtic locks as always. One day, I decided to try to create my own miracle. My mother had brought home Breck shampoo with Cybil Shepard on the label. In the 1960’s, the Breck girl surely was the “saint of beautiful hair.” I thought it was a sign from Heaven that my Mom had bought this bottle. I proceeded to wash my hair and included a Holy Water (procured from my church) rinse to be extra religious. Well, my hair was very clean and looked nice, but it wasn’t “Patty Kay Perfect in Church Hair.” Disappointed, I just continued to say my prayer each night and yes check the mirror, though not as often.

Later that Spring, my Aunt arrived to take me to the ballet at Lincoln Center. I was seven, in my prettiest dress, with my hair combed and pulled back in a ponytail. My Grandpa was driving us to the train station. My Aunt Jean was up front and I was in the backseat, feet not yet touching the floor when I heard it. Grandpa referred to me as “Weed” in his conversation. His reference to me was automatic, as were the tears that immediately ran down my face. I tried to stop but couldn’t. I was embarrassed because I had never cried in front of them before. Grandpa quickly stopped the car and they both got out and opened the back door. I could see they were upset and asked immediately what was wrong.

I just blurted out, “I’m wearing a dress, I’ve been washing my hair with Breck shampoo and waiting for beautiful hair but still you call me Weed. Of everyone I have the ugliest name of all. No weeds are beautiful. No one likes a weed. You pull them out of the garden to get rid of them.” They both looked startled but involuntarily managed the same old “Weed Girl” smile. I felt crushed, but my Grandpa didn’t miss a beat, he instantly replied, “You misunderstood all along. You were different. Flowers are delicate and temporary and need special care. You are delicate too, but tough. A weed can be pulled out of the garden thrown over the fence, blown in the breeze but it will take root again and grown even stronger. You were wrong. Many weeds are wild and beautiful. Some even bloom in the snow. You were born on a snowy day without even a doctor. Weeds can take care of themselves. Just like you.”

The rest of the drive to the train I proudly wore the “Weed Girl” smile. I sat on my Grandpa’s lap steering the car, all the car windows open, my ponytail pulled out, and my hair all tangled in the breeze and in the love of my family.

In the picture above my Dad is wearing the white carnation, holding a cigarette. My grandma is on the right and my Dad appears to be looking at her. Although the focus on her is a bit blurry she looks beautiful to me. It was way before I was born, unless of course you believe in simultaneous time ;)

POWDER & PAINT

She was a delicate woman with a powerful voice.

On a sunny afternoon in San Francisco, her performance at Hardly Strictly Bluegrass attracted the other musicians who I watched leave the green room or walk from other parts of the park to hear Hazel sing. I met Jorma and Jack walking on their way from their tour bus to hear Hazel. I watched Steve Earle, Emmy Lou Harris and Alison Brown sit stage right as she performed. All were in awe of Hazel and it was my friend Assunta who knew her and cued me into what all the musicians knew. Hazel was the Real Deal. Assunta began to cry as Hazel sang Black Lung, a song written for her brother. The crowd was hushed as she performed, held captive by her songs and in respect of this woman who was a national treasure.

The evening after she performed, many of the musicians were meeting at one of the hotels for drinks. I was standing on the sidewalk with Assunta and Molly O’Brien when a cab pulled up and the petite Hazel Dickens stepped out. I was introduced to her and during the course of ‘small talk’ one of the women commented on how pretty she looked. Hazel quipped, “Powder and paint, makes you look like what you ain’t”. It was so illuminating for me, the juxtaposition of this prolific woman who paved the way for the likes of Alison Krause and Emmy Lou Harris sharing her bit of women’s wisdom with a smile that was part inside joke yet something we all knew to be true. It was a moment in time I will always smile about.

I am sorry to write that she lost her battle with pneumonia and died last week. Thank you Hazel for crossing my path and bless you wherever you are among the stars.

The Scripture According to Patti Smith

For a couple of days after the Lennon Tribute, I tried to write something that would convey how Patti Smith’s performance blew me away. I was boring myself to tears and frequently using the delete key, with one syrupy recollection and rendition of the rehearsal and show after another. The show had awesome musical highlights that can be read about in various reviews however it wasn’t until Patti hit the stage that the show took a turn from music, entertainment and respect for John to SPIRIT. In an email addressing last minute performance concerns it had been suggested to the artists not to speak for more than 30 seconds because of the tight schedule. Outside of Claudia Marshall’s performer introductions I am unaware that anyone did speak, until Patti. She walked out onstage with a book of Kerouac and recited from The Scripture of the Golden Eternity. She then spoke about her own loss of her husband and how she looked to Yoko in finding meaning in her life, for herself and her children. She created magick with Strawberry Fields Forever and with Oh Yoko, welcoming Tony Shanahan to weave his voice with hers. Lucky for us that she’s not good at following directions or she doesn’t check emails or maybe that she just did what she wanted because every word she spoke conveyed a sharing of the spirit of Lennon’s life and music. She was awesome, lighting up the room with her presence that lifted the show to another place. I had never seen her perform before and her power was inspiring and true. It reflected a woman who is filled with quantum awakening in our universe. I believe somewhere out there is a constellation named after her……. Anyway, you may not find these thoughts in any of the reviews of the show, in which case, people need to open their eyes. People have the Power J

Thank you Patti Smith for sharing your light and I will hold dear the memory of sharing some Green and Black’s organic chocolate candy with you at rehearsal the day before, unaware how little my gesture was and much you would give to me the following night.

In honor of Patti, I’m posting a song that is a collaboration of another awe-inspiring quantum awakener in our universe, (got that? One Verse), John Trudells work with Annie Humphrey, ~Spirit Horses ~ and then I’m going out to buy my own book of Kerouac.

Altared View~A Kaleidoscope of Spirit

At high noon today I went to Mass at Saint Paul’s Church in Ramsey. The architecture of St. Paul’s differs from most Roman Catholic Churches because it is not traditional. Instead of a building shaped as a cross where most of the congregation looks straight ahead to the altar, it is crescent moon shaped, almost circular with the altar in the center. Because of this unique form, in any chosen seat, much of the church, the parishioners and the stained glass windows are visible and people face each other as they look toward the altar. It is always the stained glass that calls my attention as the colors filter the sun and soften the room radiating the richness of faith. I noticed that the windows high above the altar, though smaller, today were truly different. The wind blowing outside must have been catching the treetops making the leaves move, which played with the light, shading the colors and creating constant change. I began to think that all over the world there are churches with stained glass windows. I wondered if God looked in on us at moments when people were in prayer. All over earth, each one of these Houses of the Holy filled with Spirit in various incarnations, colorful, changing, an intricate design held in his hand while looking in through the window…God’s own Kaleidoscope of Spirit, a constantly changing pattern. It made me smile and wish for a kaleidoscope of my own.

The image above is from the Union Church of Pocantico Hills. It is the largest of the nine stained glass windows by Marc Chagall commissioned by the Rockefeller Family and shares the space with a Rose Window created by Henri Matisse. Higher callings inspire the creation of such works of art but higher knowledge may be in that they elevate Spirit having far reaching effects on people and prayer. Stepping into that sacred space may be like creating a battery-powered kaleidoscope with ones energy……And again I smile remembering my Summer visit to the Church in Pocantico Hills and wishing to return.

Postcards from the Future

My brother planted sunflowers

Evergreen, daises, forget-me-nots too

He shared the seeds, igniting the world

With vibrant, subtle, changing hues

In the backyard garden of home

And a tree farm far away

The same breeze that whispers love

Arrives but not to stay

Fueled with the same mischief

That dances in the stars

My brother planted sunflowers

In a meadow forever blue

Like an evergreen he was rooted

With courage to grow and go

His star sight reached beyond the field

Where all the flowers grow

So in the Spring reminders bloom

Of love so strong and true

Sunflowers, evergreens, daises

And always forget-me-nots too

I wrote this last November while I was cooking dinner. The words just came to me rhythmically; reminiscent of a chant you’d jump rope to some long ago summer. A bouquet of sunflowers on the counter nearby, a flower my brother loved, may have been the catalyst for the poetry. I never dreamed I’d be invited nine months later to visit the farm Michael worked on in his early twenties. Through the kindness of two childhood friends who I connected with on face book, I was invited to see the farm and creek on a recent trip to Cooperstown. Evergreens are abundantly growing in the adjacent field and on the walk down to the creek. It was Ann Maries comment that my brother planted them that reminded and enlightened me. I was so in awe being in a place that was legendary to my family that I forgot the most obvious, he was there to plant trees. In the background of Steven’s smile is a row of White Pines, the tree the Iroquois Nation called the Tree of Peace. Planted by my brother as little seedlings, they now towered over us, majestic in the sun filled landscape, bringing peace to my heart. Thank You Ann Marie, Tim and Bonnie for your thoughtfulness and good medicine. It meant more to me than I can convey in words…

Another postscript is one I find typical of my brother and my interactions. Michael called me up one day to come by and take home some flowers he had for me. When I arrived, in my new car, I was really annoyed to find 4 huge muddy flats of what looked like weeds for me to bring home and plant. I brought them home and it took me all week to plant them, still angry at what appeared to be an endless pack of weeds. He called several times during the week to ask if I’d finished which made me feel obligated to plant them all. I ran out of sunspace so put a lot in the wooded way back of the back yard just to get them in the ground. The following Spring he was gone and the flowers forgotten until two years later when I walked in the way back early one May morning to see what needed to be gardened and instead found a virtual field of forget-me-nots that had reseeded and now grew everywhere.

I believe his insistence on giving me the flowers and my poetic scribbling was nothing more than postcards from the future, postmarked with Serendipity.

Peace of My Heart

I attended a local production of Godspell the night after I found out my son had a tiny hole in the wall between the chambers in his heart. I’d like to rewrite that. I attended a local production of Godspell the night after I found out my son has a tiny hole in the wall between the chambers of his heart. That’s a sentence from a script I can’t seem to rewrite. The cardiologist believes it should be left alone, but also offered that some Doctors would advise repair. We met with him on Thursday and on Friday I attended the show where my son played lead guitar in the Godspell Ensemble. It was presented in a remarkable church that was built in 1906 as a memorial to Emma Hanchett Crocker by her husband, railroad magnate, George Crocker. He too had a hole in his heart but his came from losing his wife. It wouldn’t have shown up on a sonogram but it was real nonetheless. I suppose he would have liked to rewrite his script too but was unable. Yet George Crocker created something very beautiful from his love for his wife and the depth of the space that became the hole. Over a hundred years later, sitting in this sacred space and watching the play, the mystical stained glass window glowed softly from the backlight. In his time, he may not have imagined that his great gift to his wife’s memory would become such a vibrant place for spirit, for people to come together and share an evening revel in Godspell. Or maybe he did. All I know is we are all under Gods Spell. The script is revealed day by day, and no one knows the story. Only in reflection can we see it colored the way we desire, a little like the blurry mystical stained glass window, backlit with the light of our own wisdom.

On Friday night the music of Godspell filled the room with joy, which is just what music and love can do regardless of the day-by-day script. Maybe that’s one of Gods Spells. Or maybe he’s just that good a director.